My Afternoon and Midnight Call with the Infamous Ex - JUNE 19 2013

June 19, 2013

Most people would say (including myself) that seeing the man who caused me so much distress after 7 months of being free from physical contact would be stupid.

I agree with that statement—but of course, we know I did it anyway.

This past week I made a trip to Utah for a family event. Because Willow knew I was coming, he asked if I would like to have lunch. I went back and forth wondering why I would go, if I should, and what would be the point. Considering I was in a position with the current man in my life, I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with it. So, I said no.

The day he actually had planned the lunch, I was in the area and had hours to kill, so I ended up over at his place for the afternoon.

It was surreal at first. As he opened the door, he greeted me with a smile and a hug like he always used to. Telling me I looked good with all the small talk that comes with months of absence. He offered to make me my favorite hot dogs on the grill, and we watched one of his favorite shows. He said he missed when we used to spend the weekends watching scary movies and eating our favorite foods. He missed my facial expressions.

I will say here: I don’t believe he loves his girlfriend any less, but when you choose to be with someone new, you have to sacrifice some of the comfort and things you enjoyed and were used to for 6 years. To find the love you really want. He spoke highly of his girlfriend during the encounter, while asking if I missed his cooking.

As I sat there listening to him, looking around the house that had not changed a bit, I noticed in the kitchen some cans of food I had left on the counter when I left for New York. He had never moved them. And there it was again: everything was EXACTLY where I had left it. Every picture, everything was in the place I left it.

I left his place a couple of hours later with a couple more hugs—and it wasn’t fast enough. On to the midnight call…

I had blocked Willow’s number months ago, and I figured if and when he attempted to reach me, it was via email. A few nights after the afternoon, I got an email asking me to call him. So, out of curiosity, I did.

For the next 2 hours, he talked to me about his fears and how he was feeling. He talked about what the problem might be. As I listened to him, I told him he needed validation. That was his problem. Every single moment of every day for 6 years, I felt he always needed me to point out about himself or something in his life. He said on the phone he noticed that was missing.

Now, don’t get it confused. He wasn’t calling me to get me back. But calling to get a need met that wasn’t currently being met where it should have been. As I sat and thought about this poor girl, I felt that I should tell her: HEY GIRL, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GETTING VALIDATED BY HIS EX!

I told him he needed to stop searching for validation from me. It wasn’t my job anymore. It was hers.

He needed to speak to her and figure it out.

At the end of that 2-hour phone call and all the next day, I felt those old, irritated feelings. Like I had been used and spit out. Of course, I haven’t heard a word from him since. I fulfilled the need he was missing. I have made a million trillion promises, but I tell you now: I will no longer be the validation for him. I am not interested in being there when he needs me. Today, I am committed to the man who is in my life now. The one I do have a chance with. The one I want to validate and love and care for. The one who gives a crap about what I feel. Who follows up with me in the moment.

Life makes love look so hard, and sometimes we must do things to remind ourselves of a lesson we learned long ago. Willow will never be good to me, maybe for a time or even years, but not really good to me. And he does. He is either made for this current girl or he is made to be alone. I say a prayer for this girl, that when he can no longer give, she will get out first. Or, by some small miracle, he will change and love her better and more exclusively. (They actually married and have a beautiful family)

Today though, I smile and thank the stars for my new chance, which is a miracle in every way.