Getting Over Getting Under - MAY 20 2013

MAY 20 2013

I LOVE Nashville. I feel like I am home again. I miss New York City terribly, but just because you miss something does not mean it was meant to be. I do not (or for that matter, miss Utah), not even a little bit. I miss people that were there, but not the state and the mindset I had there that kept me from growing. I am happy to be here, but not today.

Being in Nashville has made me have to start all over again. Rebuilding my business. It is exhausting marketing and promoting your company that you are passionate about. But, I love what I do, so I do not mind the sacrifice.

Making new friends and building the old friendships I had so long ago. I have loved being able to talk to so many new friends. Nashville is packed full and overflowing with so many talented people. Seriously, so many. So many people have welcomed me, like I have been part of them all along. They accept me for who I am and sincerely want me around. I want to thank them and hug them.

Then there are those friends who I have wanted to rebuild a friendship with that were in my life so long ago, that don’t seem to be such a success.

If someone does not want to see you change and makes you feel that you are who you were so many years ago, the friendship will not grow. I have encountered that since being here. And even though a friendship has been in your life, if it does not serve you in an uplifting way it should be severed. Just like a romantic relationship. If the other person is not willing to meet you halfway, then you have to give it up. On Mother’s Day, I decided to block an old friend’s phone number. For whatever reason, it was not working anymore. I am sure he could list a million reasons and I could give a couple, but both parties weren’t willing to bend while the friendship got so broke. It is sad when so many years have been put into something that seems to take seconds to dissolve.

I have come to the point in my life where I have to learn to let go. I have actually been learning this lesson from Willow for years now and it took New York City to allow that to sink in.

I want to hold on, but I miss who it always seemed I was holding on to—the man who was never willing to give.

Very recently a good new friend told me that self-loathing doesn’t serve me. I laughed a little because when I was describing the fact that usually more than not, a man will bypass me for a younger version, she interrupted me as if to say it is latching onto distracting facts. But my friend is right. Regardless of the past or how often I turn lovers into friends, I should keep looking up and never assume. Love comes along all the time. Not as often for some though, and that is OK.

I have a best friend that I admire so much. She gets out and mingles and dates all the time. She doesn’t ever seem to let rejection get the best of her. Too long. She carries on and has confidence. She loves anyway. I love her and what a perfect example she has been to me. She never gives up. Ever.

It is so easy to want to be loved by another person, and though the idea of love so often lets us down more often than lifts us, there is a greater lesson to be learned. I recently saw in the news that Ben Affleck said that his marriage with Jennifer Garner is “Work.” Well. (And this was the first time with him, can you believe they didn’t make it a SECOND TIME )Duh. People get offended. I laughed at that. I believe anything worth having takes effort and work. If it is too easy, you would never appreciate it the same. Some people are meant to be for a season, and some are meant to be for a lifetime. I never thought I would ever come to the point to think that a friend of over 16 years is what it has, and maybe him and I will remind enough to be civil in a group, and in hope we do. But for now, it is time to accept that not all people will love me, some will misunderstand me, and not everyone will. I always thought I was easy to love, but not everyone can easily love.

I was recently in a Sunday service where someone asked that if someone treats us unfair or unkind, we should try our best not to react. We don’t know what they are going through. We should feel compassion for them and pray that they can overcome it. I feel that for my longest lost friend. I wish him and I were the same as we were a year ago or even 10. But, we are not. I love my life these days and love the people that are in it. I always want to continue to progress and become a better woman and appreciate those who have the honesty to tell me like it is. It doesn’t serve anyone to keep your opinions to yourself. Be brave and speak up for your needs.

I hope that when I interact with people they know that I have love to give, and forgiveness and patience. I want to make people feel loved and happy. Life is meant to be lived, and if you aren’t loving it, work it out.

I still miss Willow every so often, especially when Disneyland crosses my mind and I still miss my long lost friend, every day. I still miss my dad. But if we remember the best parts of those experiences that we have lost, it will make us better and we will be able to serve others who are in need.